I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
