***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
