Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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