Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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