he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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