i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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