I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
