I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize