She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
