Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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