she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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