awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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