I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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