mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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