I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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