I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
