I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
