I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
