Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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