i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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