Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
