i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
