i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
