I got chris browned last night
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
