I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
