Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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