but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
