I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
