im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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