i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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