If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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