i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
