Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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