my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
