Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
