who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
