Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Im part way to drunk.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
