Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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