i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
