Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Randomize
