I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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