I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
