Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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