I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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