between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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