I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
