Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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