It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
