you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
