And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize