You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I smell like Dick and happiness
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
