My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
