I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize