my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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