Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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