I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
