I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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