Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
