guys are only as good as the porn they watch
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
