We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
