I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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